"Killer Bitch" Cross Dressing in the Celebrity Big Brother House?

I see the Daily Star is claiming today that, on 3rd January, our Killer Bitch co-star cage-fighting Alex Reid will be going into the Channel 4 Celebrity Big Brother house as his cross-dressing alter-ego Roxanne. If so, it should be worth seeing. And he'll be out in time for our movie release on 8th March; and the publication of the Killer Bitch novel on 1st March.

In our movie, of course, the tabloid storm has always been Alex's participation in the allegedly 'vile' alleged 'rape' scene, one tame frame of which is shown on the Killer Bitch Facebook page

I'm told the News of the World has been attempting to get something straight from the Horse's mouth for around three months now. If they ever get anything straight from the Horse's mouth that their lawyers will allow them to print, it'd better be as good as what we have on film. I'm certainly on tenterhooks.

Just wait till March.

www.killerbitch.co.uk

"Killer Bitch" - How to Get Rid of a Dead Body

So that’s how to get rid of a body leaving no trace? Who would have thought it? I am a simple person and imagined the pigs just ate the flesh or, if you dumped a weighted body into the sea, you just used small-gauge chicken coop netting.

I had an interesting chat with our death consultant ‘Lou’ yesterday afternoon and he set me straight. Amazing a man who knows about such things can have such a delicate palate for food.

The editing has started on Killer Bitch with seven people ensconced in Northamptonshire working right throughout the Christmas and New Year period on three editing machines; plus editing work in Walthamstow and - ooh - somewhere in the depths of the snow in Kent as well. Meanwhile, In Borehamwood, home of both the Indiana Jones and the On The Buses movies, I am using an Apple quill to try to novelise the script. Thus my need to know about the intricacies of pigs’ digestive tracts.

Our ‘Lou’ knows almost as much about animals as the very nice indeed former drug super-dealer Howard Marks. His stories of the sophisticated uses of lion shit and reindeer urine take some beating. He seemed happy with his own upcoming autobiographical movie Mr Nice in which he is played by Rhys Ifans; he had seen a screening of the finished film. It’s certainly a cracking story.

We went to Leeds to film Howard’s scenes for Killer Bitch. They were either the final or penultimate sequences to be filmed.

I’m not 100% certain if they were our last bit of filming because, even though we have now started editing and will finish the final cut in January, there is an extra surprise scene which we may or may not be able to shoot. If we can do it, it will certainly put a smile on my face and should make audiences and journalists sit up in their seats.

www.killerbitch.co.uk

'Dodgy' Dave Courtney Lives Again in "Killer Bitch"

On “Killer Bitch”, we do like a bit of publicity and had plans to kill celebrity gangster ‘Dodgy’ Dave Courtney , but we were scuppered by police action.

We filmed all the set-up and preparations for his death at a big gangland party in South East London but, a couple of days later, before we could shoot scenes of his actual killing, the police arrested him on firearms charges and he was (in the technical phrase used in such circumstances) banged up in Belmarsh with no parole, despite the fact he had no witnesses to threaten, was no risk to anyone and was never going to do a runner. The authorities just enjoyed having him in prison, much like the Krays and Ronnie Biggs.

Dodgy Dave was arrested months ago. Poor Liam, our beleaguered writer/director, had to re-write the script so Dave’s excellent and expensive scenes were kept in the movie but so it also made sense he was not killed. Poor Liam later had to re-script the movie again when allegedly cross-dressing cage fighter Alex Reid (our main co-star) decided not to complete the sequences he had started shooting. Only he and Kate Price/Jordan know why; we certainly don’t. We had to shut down for a month.

The result of all this anarchy was a multiply-re-written script, extra scenes, extra characters, extra performers, extra action, extra colour and, ironically, probably an even better movie - though with escalating extra costs.

All we’re admitting is that the budget is now over £45 and less than £100,000. In other words, it has cost more than Welsh zombie movie “Colin” but has cost less than “Avatar”. It is also fairly safe to say it will be more entertaining than “Batman and Robin” and “The English Patient”. But then so was Andy Warhol's eight-hour movie of the Empire State Building at night; and, yes, I did sit through that.

The good news is that, this week, a London jury took only two hours to clear ‘Dodgy’ Dave on three charges of illegal firearms possession. Anyone who has been in the living room his Plumstead house ‘Camelot’ (you can see it in all its glory in “Killer Bitch”) will know its walls are lined with firearms, swords and I think there may be a suit of armour and a platoon of Japanese soldiers in there somewhere too. But would ‘Dodgy’ Dave do something illegal? I can hardly believe it. As he told the court: "The police keep arresting me for things, but I am no longer a naughty man."

Except in our fictional movie, where he plays himself and is certainly a very naughty man caught with his trousers down and his pecker up.

He will be one of the few to survive “Killer Bitch”. So far, we have had over 160 performers in the movie and most of them seem to have been killed. Still a couple more weeks to go; plenty of time to up the body count.

We might even have time to kill ‘Dodgy’ Dave, but I think poor Liam might not be able to face another re-write and will let him live - perhaps for the sequel which, in the current draft script, opens in a Scottish religious building. Who knows how subsequent events may change it?

www.killerbitch.co.uk

“Killer Bitch” - A Slasher Movie?

I was circumcised earlier this year. I didn’t think it was necessary, but three doctors recommended it and, eventually, I realised it was no skin off my nose.

Rather more drastic on “Killer Bitch” this week was cutting off the penis of one of our lead performers. It was quite complicated.

Our death consultant ‘Lou’ had to go into a Soho sex shop to buy a rubber penis and testicles. He told them some cock and ball story.

On the day, our performer had to be ‘tubed up’ with rubber piping so blood could be pumped out of his groin as the cock was cut off.

Our director Liam reversed his normal instructions and, to start the scene, shouted: “CUT!” When the scene finished and the penis fell, he shouted: “We’re rolling!”

‘Lou’, always a perfectionist, ensured that the bloodied and severed penis left lying on the floor of the laundrette (don’t ask) was seen to be sliced at the correct angle to correlate with the previously filmed angle at which our girl slashed the knife through the cock with the yell: “This is for all the women of Britain!”

Attention to realistic detail is important on “Killer Bitch”.

The previous day, when gunning down around 20 innocent people in cold blood in a warehouse in Gravesend, one of our lead actors who had better remain nameless interrupted to advise: “He wouldn’t say that before he shot him,” and, “They wouldn’t be killed like that. We did it this way.”

It is always best to have experienced advisors when making a movie.

www.killerbitch.co.uk