On “Killer Bitch”, we do like a bit of publicity and had plans to kill celebrity gangster ‘Dodgy’ Dave Courtney , but we were scuppered by police action.
We filmed all the set-up and preparations for his death at a big gangland party in South East London but, a couple of days later, before we could shoot scenes of his actual killing, the police arrested him on firearms charges and he was (in the technical phrase used in such circumstances) banged up in Belmarsh with no parole, despite the fact he had no witnesses to threaten, was no risk to anyone and was never going to do a runner. The authorities just enjoyed having him in prison, much like the Krays and Ronnie Biggs.
Dodgy Dave was arrested months ago. Poor Liam, our beleaguered writer/director, had to re-write the script so Dave’s excellent and expensive scenes were kept in the movie but so it also made sense he was not killed. Poor Liam later had to re-script the movie again when allegedly cross-dressing cage fighter Alex Reid (our main co-star) decided not to complete the sequences he had started shooting. Only he and Kate Price/Jordan know why; we certainly don’t. We had to shut down for a month.
The result of all this anarchy was a multiply-re-written script, extra scenes, extra characters, extra performers, extra action, extra colour and, ironically, probably an even better movie - though with escalating extra costs.
All we’re admitting is that the budget is now over £45 and less than £100,000. In other words, it has cost more than Welsh zombie movie “Colin” but has cost less than “Avatar”. It is also fairly safe to say it will be more entertaining than “Batman and Robin” and “The English Patient”. But then so was Andy Warhol's eight-hour movie of the Empire State Building at night; and, yes, I did sit through that.
The good news is that, this week, a London jury took only two hours to clear ‘Dodgy’ Dave on three charges of illegal firearms possession. Anyone who has been in the living room his Plumstead house ‘Camelot’ (you can see it in all its glory in “Killer Bitch”) will know its walls are lined with firearms, swords and I think there may be a suit of armour and a platoon of Japanese soldiers in there somewhere too. But would ‘Dodgy’ Dave do something illegal? I can hardly believe it. As he told the court: "The police keep arresting me for things, but I am no longer a naughty man."
Except in our fictional movie, where he plays himself and is certainly a very naughty man caught with his trousers down and his pecker up.
He will be one of the few to survive “Killer Bitch”. So far, we have had over 160 performers in the movie and most of them seem to have been killed. Still a couple more weeks to go; plenty of time to up the body count.
We might even have time to kill ‘Dodgy’ Dave, but I think poor Liam might not be able to face another re-write and will let him live - perhaps for the sequel which, in the current draft script, opens in a Scottish religious building. Who knows how subsequent events may change it?
www.killerbitch.co.uk
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