Jehovah's Witnesses and Killing a Baby

As I walked over the drawbridge, two well-dressed people who looked like Jehovah's Witnesses approached me. A man and a woman. Both in unsettlingly neat clothes.

"Are you filming in the moat?" the man asked.

"Yes," I told him, "We've been filming here the last three days."

I was told Fort Horsted was one of three Napoleonic forts overlooking the former naval dockyards in Chatham in case the French invaded. In fact, it was built in 1880 to defend against who knows what. Fort Horsted's moat is empty, a bit marshy and has walls maybe 60 feet high. Our co-star, former world heavyweight boxing champion Robin Reid, had been 'executing' people in the moat all morning.

"What sort of film is it?" the neat woman asked.

"A gangster film."

"Not one of those Madonna ones?" the man asked.

I looked at him blankly.

"You know," the man explained. "Her husband. Guy Richardson. I don't like his films."

"No, not one of his," I reassured him.

"Been going well?" the woman asked. "The filming?"

"Well, our star was trying to shoot a girl about half an hour ago," I explained. "He was trying to shoot her with an AK-47 and she was great. She was screaming out, terrified, in a high-pitched voice, 'No! No! No! Don't kill me! I'm pregnant! My baby! My baby!'. Very good she was. Michelle Dormer. Great scream. She should be in Doctor Who."

The neat Jehovah's Witness couple looked interested.

"Then," I explained, "On the fifth take, a little voice pipes up from 60 feet above us - a very polite man's voice asking, 'I say, are you OK down there?'

"We look up and there's no-one up there. I think he must be some bloke who lives in one of the suburban bungalows on the other side of the moat from the Fort. He must have heard the screaming and gone down the bottom of his garden but couldn't see into the moat. So our director just shouted back: 'It's OK! We're filming!' and the man's voice shouted back: 'Oh! Alright!' and we carried on with Michelle screaming 'Don't kill my baby! My baby! My baby! Don't kill my baby!' for about four more takes.

"The moral to the story is," I told the neat Jehovah's Witness type couple, "if you are committing a serious crime like murder and anyone asks you what you're doing, just say you are shooting a film and they will ignore it."

The couple smiled politely.

"What's the film called?" the woman asked.

"Killer Bitch," I replied.

"Ah," the woman said.

"What do you do?" I asked.

"We're police," the man replied.

"Ah," I replied.

www.killerbitch.co.uk