Killer Bitch, Killer Transvestites and Dirty Birds

The bad news today was that the possibility of former football hooligan Jason Marriner being killed by a group of transvestites from the Medway towns seems to be receding. The good news was that the prospect of a thalidomide martial arts expert joining us is looking brighter. This, with luck, can be sold to The Guardian as pushing the boundaries of post-modernist art cinema and to the Daily Star as a vile outrage against public decency and the possible final step in the collapse of Western Civilisation.

One irony of “Killer Bitch” is that the movie was originally partially conceived with the intention of outraging the Daily Mail. The irony lies in the fact that almost the sole newspaper to ignore us has been the Daily Mail. This may be because, early on, amid the initial tabloid furore, the Daily Mail sent an e-mail asking into what genre “Killer Bitch” fell; would it be correct to describe it as a hard-core porn movie? They were, it seems, not happy with the evasive answer they got.

Today, was a quiet day on the set. Only one attempted knife suicide and one person shot to death in a disused Gravesend warehouse. Oh - and our star Yvette Rowland did sensibly ask, “Can you catch anything fatal from bird droppings? I seem to have been lying among them for hours”. The answer she got was as evasive as the one the Mail received in September.

“Eh… no, no, no… I don’t think so. No, I doubt it,” was one unconvincing answer.

“What about bird flu?”

“I don’t think a single pig in the entire world has ever died from swine flue.”

“What’s that got to do with bird droppings?”

“Well…”

Pigs and birds are messy. And you can’t train pigeons to respect the costumes worn by actors in post-modernist art cinema,

Geordie entrepreneur Steve Wraith - aka The Krays’ Geordie Connection - came all the way down from Newcastle to try to kill Yvette and his suit was so messed-up by the end of the day that he left it behind in a plastic bag. The blood probably didn’t help either.

It was a day of blood, feathers and white droppings.

“This movie should sell quite well,” someone suggested.

“Who knows?” I replied, “But people will get value for money. You don’t get thalidomide martial arts scenes and dwarf-throwing in Jerry Bruckheimer movies, though there might have been bird shit in "Pirates of the Caribbean"...”

www.killerbitch.co.uk