Electric Eel Shock, Flying Dwarfs and Irishmen

“Those two Japanese rock people from the Electric Eel Shock band are going to torture Robin with three fish and then he’s going to kill one of them by stuffing one of the fish down the bloke’s throat,” I said this morning.

I was taken aback when Lou, our ‘death consultant’ on the “Killer Bitch” movie replied: “You’re ‘aving me on, John,” and genuinely didn’t believe me.

How could he not believe me?

A couple of months ago, our director Liam had got so frustrated by the torrents of abuse “Killer Bitch” was receiving from the tabloids over often completely fictional scenes that he asked: “Can anyone get me a dwarf for tomorrow?”

“I’ve got a dwarf and two midgets,” volunteered Lou.

And, sure enough, the next day, we filmed Mike Tyson’s long-time sparring partner Joe Egan throw a topless female dwarf (the very lovely and charming Sarah Bennett) off a roof in Watford. Shortly afterwards, a police helicopter started circling overhead, though that was more to do with the fact Joe Egan and four other Irishmen were running around an alleyway firing handguns and a sub machine gun. Fortunately Lou had forewarned the police and filled in the appropriate forms. Yes, there are indeed forms for such occasions.

So how could Lou not believe we would have former WBO World Boxing Champion and Olympic medallist Robin Reid kill Japanese rock star Akihito Morimoto by shoving a fish down his throat? Lou needed to see the fish before he would believe it.

www.killerbitch.co.uk

Alex Reid, Jordan, Salvador Dali and flying pigs

I see today's Daily Star Sunday edition:
http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/view/107314/The-Kate-escape-/
has an interview with Jordan's boyfriend, the former co-star of "Killer Bitch" in which it says:

"The Ultimate Fighting Championship star, who used to appear in telly soap Hollyoaks, is expected to leave Britain on St Valentine’s Day at the start of his £9,000 trip. Before that, he must fulfill a number of work commitments linked to his upcoming film Killer Bitch."

Well, this is news to me, as I'm financing the "Killer Bitch" movie and it's cost me an arm and a leg because we had to shut down production for a month and do a complete re-write of the film's basic plot because Alex waltzed off the production after only shooting half his scenes... and then there was the whole rigmarole of whether or not he might re-appear... or not... I wondered if aliens had kidnapped him and I was going to wake up in a shower and find I'd dreamt it all.

This is England. No-one in their right mind sues anyone for anything unless they have a spare twenty million pounds sloshing about. The English law's aim is to make money for lawyers. You might as well toss a coin or revert to Trial By Combat with two people beating each other round the head with wet fish.

Alex seemed a nice bloke to me but, lord have mercy on us, what are these "number of work commitments linked to his upcoming film Killer Bitch"? Is he mounting a private publicity campaign for the movie's release in February/March and hasn't told us? I'm grateful if he is. Is he going to turn up without warning at a film location he doesn't know about? We re-started filming with a revised script last week, shooting the Japanese rock band Electric Eel Shock in a North London goth club and we really get into our movie-making stride again this coming week.

Or maybe the press just making up stories again? That's something we certainly know about, as several of the stories about "Killer Bitch" have had a touch of the Salvador Dali and William Burroughs about them - total surrealism with some stories simply made up from beginning to end.

Though all the publicity, true, false or fantastical, is welcomed. Who cares what's said, provided we're splattered all over the tabloids? Not us.

www.killerbitch.co.uk