Killer Bitch, Deaf Armed Robbers and a Strange Sweet Smell

At the boxing club in the evening, it was the heavy-built ex-paratrooper who had fought in the Iraq War who accidentally let off his handgun not once but twice. Bloody loud it was. He seemed to think it was quite funny.

It makes me wonder how the ‘chaps’ in South London and in Essex avoid becoming deaf. All the armed robbers I’ve met have had perfect hearing. But letting off pistols and sawn-off shotguns in enclosed spaces must surely do your ears in after a while? I suppose, though, that firing guns is the last thing the chaps actually want to do.. The cost, my dear! Even sugarglass breakaway beer bottles are expensive.

I bought twelve bottles from Breakaway Effects at Shepperton Studios - cheap and excellent value at £8 a bottle, but still not to be broken lightly.

I thought this was the day we were going to film the scene where transvestites attack and try to kill former football hooligan Jason Marriner. But, apparently, the transvestites need longer to prepare.

So it was a fist and bottle fight in a pub and a gunfight in a boxing club. A relatively quiet day for “Killer Bitch”.

And, on the first bottle fight, there was a problem. The cage fighter smashed the boxer in the face with the bottle but then decided to wham him in the side of the head. Realistic, but he hit him on his ear which was still buzzing from gunfire. We had to have a cooling-down period.

On the “Killer Bitch” filming, we all wear yellow ear plugs supplied by Lou, our armourer and death consultant. Perhaps armed robbers wear them too? They may become fashion accessories.

Guns are glamorous Boys’ Toys even to ‘hard men’. In the back room of the pub in Gillingham, Lou (who has a licence to do such things) opened up his heavy suitcase to let our director Liam choose which weapons he wanted and it was like a flock of tattooed moths suddenly descending on a series of metal flames. Revolvers, automatics, an Armalite and an AK-47. Hard men wanted to touch them, to hold them, to be photographed with them.

Later in the evening, at the boxing club in Chatham, after various club members were filmed being floored by punches from former WBO World Champion Robin Reid, we shot a sequence with Robin firing the AK-47 at two black-coated baddies firing automatic pistols.

Afterwards, as always, the air was filled with the smell of a gunffight.

Our make-up girl Claire looked up at me with wide eyes. “The sweet smell of cordite... and testosterone,” she said, raising an eyebrow.

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Electric Eel Shock, Flying Dwarfs and Irishmen

“Those two Japanese rock people from the Electric Eel Shock band are going to torture Robin with three fish and then he’s going to kill one of them by stuffing one of the fish down the bloke’s throat,” I said this morning.

I was taken aback when Lou, our ‘death consultant’ on the “Killer Bitch” movie replied: “You’re ‘aving me on, John,” and genuinely didn’t believe me.

How could he not believe me?

A couple of months ago, our director Liam had got so frustrated by the torrents of abuse “Killer Bitch” was receiving from the tabloids over often completely fictional scenes that he asked: “Can anyone get me a dwarf for tomorrow?”

“I’ve got a dwarf and two midgets,” volunteered Lou.

And, sure enough, the next day, we filmed Mike Tyson’s long-time sparring partner Joe Egan throw a topless female dwarf (the very lovely and charming Sarah Bennett) off a roof in Watford. Shortly afterwards, a police helicopter started circling overhead, though that was more to do with the fact Joe Egan and four other Irishmen were running around an alleyway firing handguns and a sub machine gun. Fortunately Lou had forewarned the police and filled in the appropriate forms. Yes, there are indeed forms for such occasions.

So how could Lou not believe we would have former WBO World Boxing Champion and Olympic medallist Robin Reid kill Japanese rock star Akihito Morimoto by shoving a fish down his throat? Lou needed to see the fish before he would believe it.

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