Killer Bitch, Killer Transvestites and Dirty Birds

The bad news today was that the possibility of former football hooligan Jason Marriner being killed by a group of transvestites from the Medway towns seems to be receding. The good news was that the prospect of a thalidomide martial arts expert joining us is looking brighter. This, with luck, can be sold to The Guardian as pushing the boundaries of post-modernist art cinema and to the Daily Star as a vile outrage against public decency and the possible final step in the collapse of Western Civilisation.

One irony of “Killer Bitch” is that the movie was originally partially conceived with the intention of outraging the Daily Mail. The irony lies in the fact that almost the sole newspaper to ignore us has been the Daily Mail. This may be because, early on, amid the initial tabloid furore, the Daily Mail sent an e-mail asking into what genre “Killer Bitch” fell; would it be correct to describe it as a hard-core porn movie? They were, it seems, not happy with the evasive answer they got.

Today, was a quiet day on the set. Only one attempted knife suicide and one person shot to death in a disused Gravesend warehouse. Oh - and our star Yvette Rowland did sensibly ask, “Can you catch anything fatal from bird droppings? I seem to have been lying among them for hours”. The answer she got was as evasive as the one the Mail received in September.

“Eh… no, no, no… I don’t think so. No, I doubt it,” was one unconvincing answer.

“What about bird flu?”

“I don’t think a single pig in the entire world has ever died from swine flue.”

“What’s that got to do with bird droppings?”

“Well…”

Pigs and birds are messy. And you can’t train pigeons to respect the costumes worn by actors in post-modernist art cinema,

Geordie entrepreneur Steve Wraith - aka The Krays’ Geordie Connection - came all the way down from Newcastle to try to kill Yvette and his suit was so messed-up by the end of the day that he left it behind in a plastic bag. The blood probably didn’t help either.

It was a day of blood, feathers and white droppings.

“This movie should sell quite well,” someone suggested.

“Who knows?” I replied, “But people will get value for money. You don’t get thalidomide martial arts scenes and dwarf-throwing in Jerry Bruckheimer movies, though there might have been bird shit in "Pirates of the Caribbean"...”

www.killerbitch.co.uk

Oscar Wilde and the "Killer Bitch" sick concoction

Memorable lines... The "Killer Bitch" movie has 'em aplenty. And I imagine few if any of them were ever uttered by Oscar Wilde.

I particularly enjoyed:

"Bring it on! - Aaaaarrggghhh! - I'll rip your fucking eyes out and stick them up your fucking arse!"

Fine words, screamed at the top of his terrifying voice by former bare-knuckle champion and now feared unlicensed fighter Norman Buckland in a large farm shed in the field behind his house as he fought Katie Price's on-off boyfriend Alex Reid. Real punches. Real kicks.

Norman is a terribly nice man and said afterwards: "I dunno where that stuff about the eyes came from. I've never said it in my life before!"

He is a real gent and a great ad-libber. During his scenes, he dropped a large breeze block on top of his head. It wasn't scripted. He just decided to do it without warning to try to help make the scene even better. Afterwards, he turned to our director Liam and asked:

"Did you get it OK? D'you want me to do it another couple of times for safety?"

For safety? FOR SAFETY????

Liam declined, but he was very grateful for the offer.

Perhaps I had too sheltered an upbringing in Ilford, Essex, but I thought

"Bring it on! - Aaaaarrggghhh! - I'll rip your fucking eyes out and stick them up your fucking arse!"

was pretty hard to beat as a memorable line - especially an unscripted one.

But it was run a close second today by a scripted line delivered by Yvette Rowland - a line which, alas, can't be printed here because it gives away one of the movie's major plot twists.

But it is maybe no surprise, given this is "Killer Bitch", that Yvette was sick immediately after she said the line. All in the interests of Art, of course.

She vomited out a creamy-orange-coloured concoction of lemon energy drink, water and crushed biscuits mixed together by our make-up effects man Akgun who, while the scene was being shot, was turning a hairspray can into a flamethrower. I think he may have seen just one too many James Bond films.

www.killerbitch.co.uk